Episode 213 - Cow Days

Cast:

Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Kenny
The Mayor
Officer Babrady
Jimbo and Ned
Sheila and Gerald Broflovski
Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
Cows
The Priest
Toss-A-Ball Operator
Chamber of Farts Operator
Frank Hammond
Halfy
Bob, W.T.H.I.T! host
Tom and Mary
Cowgirl
Cow Memorial
Two Cowboys, one of them Mitchell
FBI sharpshooters
Jack McMack
Dr. Doctor


[A game show. The audience is applauding a couple onstage. The host and lady assitant stand near them]
Host:Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to the final round. Are you ready to play for the grand prize?
Tom and Mary:We're ready, Bob!
Bob:Any particular prize you're hoping for?
Mary:Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun, too!
Tom:Oh, anywhere would be great!
Bob:Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck. Here we go. What is the thin flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum? [the couple has 9 seconds to answer]
Tom:Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this. [grips his head with both hands as time runs out]
Mary:The upper vascular hood.
Bob:I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. [Tom and Mary exult] Heheh, tell them what they've won.
Announcer:Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado! [a cowgirl shows off the picture of the town. The audience oohs and aahs]
Mary:Where?
Announcer:That's right, just in time for Cows Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival. [A poster of Cow Days appears, then rotates to one of South Park. Scenes of the announcer's descriptions show up] Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna be a part of it. You'll stay at the spectacular Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt Road [it says "motel," though], and enjoy festivities, including prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous Running of the Cows! [the audience is awed as a group of cows is shown] Congratulations, Tom and Mary.
Bob:Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.
Tom:What was second prize again?
Bob:That's all for now. See you tomorrow on [the audience joins him here] "Ooo, What The Hell Is That!" [the theme music plays them to commercial]
Mary:Shit!
RODEO
[South Park, the rodeo ring. A rider falls from his horse as it jumps some barrels.]
14th ANNUAL COWDAYS
[the carnival stage, on which the Mayor and her aides now stand]
The Mayor:Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th Annual South Park Cow Days! [cheers go up. The Mayor and her aides wear Cow Days buttons. Others wear Cow Days shirts and wave little flags with cow designs on them] As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble, gentle cows. [the crowd cheers wildly] And now, the chairman of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern!
Jimbo:[approaches the mike] This year is a very special Cow Days because we are revealing our all-new Cow Memorial! [a curtain covers it still] Which will live forever in South Park from this day forth. Release the curtain! [the curtain comes down and a large statue of a cow is revealed, with a large clock attacked to its belly. It is now 1 p.m. The statue moos and the crowd cheers. Ned is up front, and Tom and Mary are next to him]
Mary:This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!
Tom:Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the best of it
Mary:Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We just need to stay positive.
The Mayor:Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games!
[the carnival gets underway. People mill around]
Toss-a-Ball Operator:["3 for $5"] Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes. [Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny approach]
Kyle:Wow, dude, check it out! We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls. [fanfare and close-up of the dolls]
Stan:Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip dolls? They look all crappy.
Kyle:Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.
Operator:Sure they're real. They're even made in Canada.
Stan:Really?
Operator:Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves. [shows them the tag: "TERENSE AND PHILLUP" with the R backwards]
Cartman:Wwow!
Kyle:Dude, that kicks ass!
Cartman:[breathlessly] Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much to play?
Operator:Five dollars for three balls.
Cartman:Five dollars?! Jesus Christ!
Operator:Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just gotta put one ball through Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth. [duly shown]
Cartman:That's easy!
Operator:Okay, we've got a player!
Cartman:Ay! Check it out! [tossed the ball and misses, just to the right of the mouth] Damn it!
Operator:Okay, son, you've still got two balls to try and get through her yapper.
Cartman:Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt! [fires away again, and misses]
Kyle:You suck, Cartman!
Cartman:I'd like to see you do better!
Kyle:Give me that! [takes the ball and throws it. It goes into the mouth, but falls out and away] Hey! It hit her right in the mouth!
Operator:It's gotta go through her mouth
Kyle:But ih-
Operator:Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more dollars.
Kyle:Here, give me some money, Cartman! [Cartman looks at him and starts laughing] Lend me money, fat boy!
Cartman:I only have three dollars left, asshole!
Kyle:Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more money from my mom. [the boys walk off]
Jimbo:[onstage] Okay, everybody! It's time for the Running of the Cows! [the crowd cheers]
Kyle:[finds his parents] Mom, give me some money!
Sheila:Kyle, what are you doing here?! This is very dangerous!
Kyle:I need $17 so we can win Terrance and Phlllip dolls.
Sheila:Kyle, get back into the carnival this instant! You can't be out in the street!
Kyle:I will if you give me money!
Sheila:Okay, here! [hands him some bills. Kyle moves away]
Cartman:Sweet.
[Back on stage, Jimbo has some more things to tell the guests]
Jimbo:[amid cheers] Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down. Now I know you're all anxious to get to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let me remind you: those brave souls who have decided to run against the cows through town do so at their own risk. I don't think I have to remind you that three people died in last year's Running of the Cows. [the crowd pays no heed and keeps cheering] With that said, let's rock and roll! [the crowd strains at the starting line. Halfy is there, too] Everybody ready to run? [yes] Release the cows! [the corral doors open, but not a cow moves. The crowd rushes forth] They're loose! [leaves the stage]
Cows:[bewildered at the townsfolk] Mooooo?!
[The townfolk scream wildly while the cows remain in the corral and moo some more.]
Ned:[runs into a phone pole and falls] Ow.
[One cow timidly leaves the corral. A townsman looks back as he runs, and finds himself impaled on the lower half of a shattered phone pole]
Jimbo:[runs by] Yeehaw!
[A red heifer chews on some grass just outside the corral. A man comes and tries to provoke a grazing cow, but the cow ignores him. The man shakes his ass at the cow, then runs away screaming]
[the carnival. A Chamber of Farts stands near a Ferris wheel. Its entrance consists of a huge lavender ass with doors through which the cars enter]
Kyle:Okay. We've got $15 between us. That means we get nine balls to throw.
Cartman:I only need one, dude. I only need one.
Operator:Come one, come all. Get in line now, for the Chamber of Farts.
Stan:What's that?
Operator:Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Cartman:How much is it?
Operator:Just three tickets, boys. [into the mike] Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Kyle:Is it like a- haunted house or something?
Operator:Sure. It's veery scary.
Cartman:Let's see: each ticket is a dollar, so three tickets is like two twnety-five.
Kyle:No. We can't, dude. We have to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Cartman:Oh come on, you guys. We still have plenty of money left over.
Kyle:You'd better be right, dude.
Cartman:I'm right!
Operator:[the boys step up to the ride and car 15 comes to them. They get in] Keep your hands in at all times.
Kyle:Okay.
[they go in. They pass through a cemetery with asses everywhere. A man has his pants down just enough for his ass to poke through, a dog next to him has its tail up, there are flying asses about, and some volcanos poke through the ground. All are farting. The car stops]
Operator:So, the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There aren't any ghouls here, only FARTS! [the car starts up again, and Catman gets a dose of farts from an ass jet]
Cartman:Eh! God-damnit! [as they enter the Hall of Farts, a wailing fart is heard from two figures hanging from spider webs]
Stan:What the hell was that?
Operator:Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS! [the car heads for a woman stretched out in torture. A weak fart escapes from her. The car leaves the Gas Caverns] All right, boys. Ride's over.
Kyle:That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen!
Stan:Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival company are you?!
Cartman:[as they step down] I don't know what you guys are talking about! That scared the crap out of me!
Kyle:That was a waste of money, Cartman!
Operator:Hey, if you guys want a great ride, get in this line. It's only seven tickets.
Kyle:We can't. We're saving our money for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth game.
Cartman:Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye? We have plenty of money. [$12. Cartman gets into line, then goes back for the others] Come on, you guys! It'll be sweet!
[The Cow Memorial, 12:59 p.m. A cow comes to look at the statue, and the clock strikes 1 p.m. The statue moos. The cow looks around, then moos. Two more cows arrive. Back in the line, the boys near the front of it]
Kyle:This ride better be good!
Stan:Yeah, this line is way too long!
Cartman:I think we're almost to the end.
Kyle:We'd better be. We've been in line for almost an hour!
Stan:Here we go. [passes under a LINE RIDE banner]
Kyle:Finally!
Line Ride Operator:Did ya enjoy the ride?
Stan:What ride?
Kyle:Yeah.
Line Ride Operator:This was the Line Ride, a real live simulator of a long line.
Kyle:Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me!
Line Ride Operator:That's five tickets, thank you very much. [a two-ticket discount! The boys pay up and leave with $7] Come see us again soon.
Stan:My ass we will!
Kyle:Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion, but I think the Line Ride sucked donkey balls!
Stan:Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.
Photo Seller:Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the Line Ride? [shows them the picture]
Cartman:How much?
Photo Seller:Just three dollars.
Cartman:Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet. [buys the picture, now has $4]
Kyle:You dumbass, Cartman!
Cartman:What? This is cool.
Kyle:No, it's not cool!
Cartman:It is, too! [they head back to Toss-A-Ball]
Operator:Can I help you boys.
Stan:We're gonna try to win those Terrance and Phillip dolls again.
Operator:O-kay, five dollars for three balls.
Kyle:How much do we have left, Cartman? [Cartman leafs through the bills, but doesn't answer] How much do we have left, Cartman?!
Cartman:Aah, three dollars.
Kyle:What?! You said we had plenty of money, Cartman!
Cartman:Yeah, but I didn't take into account the fact that I suck at math.
Kyle:You son of a bitch! Aaargh! [lunges at Cartman, and they fall to the ground, wrestling.
Cartman:Ey! Seriously!
[A view of the carnival. After a while the boys calm down and stand up again]
Kyle:Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't have any money left to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman:Well, I'm sorry!
Kyle:Well, sorry's not good enough! What are you gonna do about it?
Cartman:[thinks a moment] Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him!
Kenny:[pulls some out] (What? These?)
Stan:Sir? Will you take food stamps for three balls?
Operator:Sure, as long as they're good.
Kyle:Give him your food stamps, Kenny!
Kenny:(Nuh uh)
Kyle:Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure!
Kenny:(Dude, these are my fucking food stamps! How am I going to eat without all these food stamps?)
Cartman:Damnn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp hog! Share with the rest of your friends! [Kenny hands them to the operator, and Kyle receives the balls]
Kyle:Okay. Here we go. [throws the first ball into Jennifer's mouth, but it bounces away] Hey! That was right on target.
Operator:Sorry, kid. Try again.
Kyle:[throws the next ball in, but it bounces away] That does it! Shenanigans! [points an accusing finger at the operator, then turns around] SHENANIGANS!
Operator:Uhwhat are you doing?
Kyle:I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This game is rigged!
Operator:Shenanigans?
Officer Barbrady:[arriving] What's all the hoo-ha?
Kyle:Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator.
Officer Barbrady:Why?
Kyle:This game is fixed! The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!
Officer Barbrady:If that is true, then your declaration of Shenanigans is just. [raises his baton and points it at the operator] What do you have to say, carnival operator?
Operator:Look, the kid was really close. He still has another ball left. Leh let's try again, son. [reaches behind the counter and switches balls. Kyle gets a smaller one] Here you go. [Kyle tosses it, and it goes clear through the mouth] There, you see? We have a winner!
Kyle:It worked!
Officer Barbrady:Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people! That's how wars get started!
Stan:Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.
Officer Barbrady:Barbrady!
Stan:Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?
Officer Barbrady:You said Buttbaby. [the boys start laughing after a few seconds]
Cartman:Sweet.
Operator:Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and the Bon Jovi Toothpick.
Kyle:No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there.
Operator:Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times to earn those.
Kyle:What?!
Operator:You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade them in for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle:You dirty son of a bitch, you never told us that we had to win-
Operator:Step on up, just five dollars to play!
Kyle:Damnit, I have to have those dolls! [walks off pissed. The others follow]
Stan:This is hopeless. We're never gonna have enough money to win.
Kyle:[something stops him] Wait a minute! I've got it! The bullriding contest. Cartman could ride a bull, and try to win $5000. [the other boys look at him] Think about it, dude: $5000. That's 1000 set of balls. That's 3000 balls! We'd have to win enough to get the dolls!
Cartman:What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?
Kyle:[grabbing Cartman by the collar] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna break your fuckin' head open!
Cartman:O-kay, I'll- get on the bull.
Kyle:All right! Now, come on! We have to practice! [walks away. The others watch him]
Stan:[to Cartman] He really wants those dolls.
Cartman:I guess, damn!
[Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber of Farts on car 11]
Mary:That ride wasn't very good.
Tom:Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time.
Mary:You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time.
[the Cow Memorial. The clock now reads 1:59 p.m., and seven cows stand before the memorial. Two o'clock strikes, and the statue moos twice. The cows answer with two moos of their own. More cows arrive]
[the town bar]
Stan:Hey, uh this mechanical bull's gonna help you practice for the real thing, Cartman.
Cartman:Hey, this is sweet.
Kyle:You've gotta try and stay on for ten seconds. Okay, Cartman?
Cartman:I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time.
Stan:We'll start on the slowest setting and work our way up. Ready? Go. [Kenny presses the switch. The mechanical bull starts to move]
Cartman:Yikes! [the bull throws him off, and he lands in a Zoomin' Pinball machine, face up] Ow! [glass scatters all around] Son of a bitch!
Stan:How long was that?
Kyle:That wasn't quite ten seconds.
Stan:Damn it! [all go to Cartman] That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman. You have to do better than that.
Cartman:[whispering] You guys, eh seriously, my back!
Kyle:Get back on, fatass! You have to practice!
Cartman:[whispering] Seriously. Help. [none of the other boys moves] Screw you guys. Hate you guys.
Kyle:What'd you say, Cartman??
Cartman:[whispering] I hate you guys!
Kyle:I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull.
Cartman:[whispering] Hate you guys.
[The cows are now pushing the memorial across open fields. It now reads 3 p.m.]
[the boys stand next to a rancher who has offered his bull for Cartman to practice on]
Rancher:Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't much for a-ridin' anymore, but he's all I got.
Kyle:Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has to get some practice with a real bull.
Rancher:Well, have fun, boys. [leaves]
Kyle:Okay, Cartman. You ready?
Cartman:[hesitantly] Nnoo.
Kyle:Open the gate! [Kenny opens it. The bull stands there, then walks out slowly and turns left]
Cartman:All right, get down. This is my kind of bullride.
Kyle:[whispers to Stan] That bull sucks! He's not even bucking or anything!
Cartman:Yeah, this is sweet!
Stan:What are you going to do?
Kyle:Get the bull in the balls with a smowball.
Stan:Hoh, yeah. That's a good idea. [the snowball leaves Kyle's hand and hits its target. The bull starts bucking in pain]
Cartman:Eeyy!
Kyle:That's better.
Stan:Hold on, Cartman!
Cartman:Ey! Seriously, dude! Do something! Dude, stop this crazy thing! [the bull throws him off] Mother f- [lands in the snow in front of them]
Kyle:Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying on long enough! [no response]
Stan:Come on, Cartman. [no response]
Kenny:(Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!)
Kyle:No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing! [kicks Cartman] Get up! [waits, then kicks him again] Get UP! [Cartman stirs, then stands up. He's pale]
Stan:You okay, dude? [nothing. Cartman sees everything undulate and hears Stan's voice echo] Cartman, hello? Hel-lo?
Kyle:Dude, I think we broke him.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, waiting area]
Dr. Doctor:Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.
Stan:What's the matter with him.
Dr. Doctor:Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.
Kyle:…Oh.
Stan:But can he still ride a bull?
Dr. Doctor:What?
Kyle:We need him to win a bullriding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?
Dr. Doctor:No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep. [turns and walks away]
Kyle:[waits until the doctor is gone] Damn it!
Stan:[now with Kyle and Kenny in his recovery room] Cartman. Cartman, can you hear me?
Cartman:Boinsure li bonsure.
Stan:What?!
Cartman:Boyongture taur lur mahrter.
Stan:Oh, he's fine, dude.
Kyle:You think?
Cartman:Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi.
Stan:Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to the rodeo.
[The Running of the Cows is ended and Jimbo is onstage.]
Jimbo:All right, damn it! We're not going to stand for this! Now, whoever stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you! [the crowd stands silent] Aall right, uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred cow, just please return 'im, and there'll be no quesitons asked. [nothing. Jimbo now looks around] Wait a minute. You folks from out of town. You're the only ones with a reason to take our beloved cow memorial! [people start buzzing]
Mary:[Officer Barbrady comes up behind the couple] Where are we going to put a 60-foot tall statue of a cow?
Officer Barbrady:Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists. [cuffs them both and takes them away]
Mary:Oh my God!
[At the carnival, the boys have returned with Cartman.]
Stan:How's he doing?
Kyle:He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.
Cartman:Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar she mashartah me shur har.
Stan:Do you think he can ride the bull?
Kyle:Yeah, I think so.
Stan:Cool. [they cross paths with an officer and his wife]
Cartman:Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah you soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy!
Soldier:Huh?
Cartman:Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me love you long time.
Soldier:Go away, kid. You're grossing me out.
Cartman:Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello, sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree!
Soldier:Beat it, kid! Come on, honey. [they walk away]
[the Chamber of Farts again.]
Chamber of Farts Operator:Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts has been fixed and is reopen! [a crowd rushes to it, and Cartman is gone]
Stan:Jesus, dude!
Kyle:Hey, where's Cartman?
Stan:[looks at the others present] Oh, hell!
Kenny:(I don't know where he went!)
Stan:Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have to go sign him up for the bull ride.
Kenny:(Okay.)
SOUTH PARK POLICE DEPT.
[Tom and Mary are still in jail, shivering and apparently forgotten]
Tom:Huh, it's so cold here.
Mary:Where is that sheriff?! We need water!
Tom:Oh well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary.
Mary:You're right. We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone.
Tom:Yeah, and at least we've got our health. [a rat runs by]
[ranch lands. Two ranchers get out of a truck and walk into a field]
Grey Hat:I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never seen nothin' like it.
Mitchell:Where are they again?
Grey Hat:Just right up over this ridge. [they reach the top of the ridge and look out over a large field full of cows gathered around the Cow Memorial, mooing. It is almost 9 a.m.] That's what they've been doin' all morning: sittn' there and mooin'. And more cows come all the time.
Mitchell:Well, I ain't never seen this before, neither. But I know one thing: when cows start gettin' together, it can't be good. They might start formin' a cult!
Grey Hat:[ponders] Hm. Cow cult.
[back at the carnival, rodeo riders try out their luck. One of them loses his luck when his horse throws him off]
Announcer:The grand-daddy of them all, the South Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin the bullriding event. Grand prize: $5000!
Stan:Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?!
Kenny:(I don't know. I can't find him.)
Kyle:He's up in, like, twenty minutes!
Kenny:(All right! I know!)
Cartman:[off-camera] Hello, fren! Hello!
Stan:[points to him] There he is!
Cartman:[emerges from the crowd in hot-pink two-piece outfit, orange purse, blush, and Oriental wig] Sucky-sucky, five dollar.
[back at the police station jail, Tom and Mary just sit and wait…>
[Jimbo and Ned join the two ranchers on the ridge]
Grey Hat:There they are, just like we told you.
Jimbo:[now standing before the cows] Okay, that's enough o' that! You cows need to dis-perse! [it is now 3 p.m.] All right, bad cows! Do you hear me? Bad cows! [the cows stand still] All right, Ned. You're gonna have to bust out the whip!
Ned:[reaches for his whip and cracks it] Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little doggies! [cracks the whip again, and strikes a cow. The cows lurch forward] Bad cows stay! Stay! [these cows are pissed. They rush in and pound him into the ground] AAAAAH!
Jimbo:[hollering] Holy smokes! Play dead, Ned!
Grey Hat:[still on the ridge, casually] I reckon we should get some help.
Mitchell:I reckon.
[the boys now have Cartman on the bull, ready to ride]
Kyle:Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna be cake.
Stan:Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours!
Cartman:Hucky-sucky five dollar.
Announcer:Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack! [the crowd cheers, and he removes his hat in appreciation] Three, two, one. [the gate opens and Jack goes forth]
Jack:Yeehaw! Yeeha! Yeehaw! [the bull finally throws him off. The crowd is silent and watches him sail through the air] Aaaaaaaa! [lands on the horns of another bull and dies]
Announcer:Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point deduction. [a shot of the boys, then of Cartman] Up next, no. 14, Ming Li!
Cartman:Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me eight dollar, soldier boy!
Announcer:Here we go!
Stan:Dude, I'm having second thoughts about this.
Kyle:What do you mean?
Stan:I'm startin' to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese protstitute on a bull.
Announcer:Let her go! [the gate opens and Cartman goes forth]
Cartman:Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky!
Kyle:Hang on, Cartman! [Cartman is still on the bull]
Announcer:Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute can really ride a bull! [Frnak Hammond! His partner looks bored] I guess she's had a lot of practice, if you know what I mean. [the partner simply blinks]
Cartman:Aaah! Ten dollar! [still on. The crowd cheers] Ten dollar, soldier boy!
Announcer:She's setting a new world record!
Crowd:[jumping up and down] Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li!
Cartman:[the bull finally bucks him off] Gaaah! [he ends up in the snow. The bull comes and kicks him like a football] Heeee!
Stan:[up on the fence with Kyle and Kenny] Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.
Kyle:Go help him, Kenny!
Kenny:[climbs down and is about to enter, but] (Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get inside that ring! Aaah!) [the bull runs through the fence and away, taking Kenny with him. Stan and Kyle watch Kenny disappear]
Stan:Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle:You bastard! [a clown picks Cartman up and carries him off]
Announcer:And this brave little whore from the East has really put on a show for us today! [his partmer, rather disguated at the announcer, taps his mike until it falls] The winner of the bullriding contest: Ming Li!
Cartman:[the clown places him in a barrel] Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar.
Stan:We did it, dude, we did it! [Kyle smiles]
[the cows are gathered again before the Memorial, about 3 p.m. Behind some large rocks, FBI agents pop up and take aim at the cows]
Agent:Freeze, cows! [the cows look up, startled] The game is over! You will now return to your respective towns! [Jimbo stands next to the agent. The cows ignore them]
Jimbo:You hear that, cows? You're surrounded! There's no way out!
Agent:You will now all march in an orderly fashion into this trailer! [Ned opens the back door. There's just no way…> Move!>[The cows just look at them, then one of them walks forward and turns left. She walks away>
Jimbo:Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow! [she walks to the edge of a cliff and looks back at them]
Agent:[sensing what'll happen] Oh, dear Jesus, no!
Cow:[walks off and falls] Mooooo!
Jinbo:[in horror] Nnoo! [the other cows reach the cliff and walk off, one by one] They're killing themselves! Stop! Please! [the suicides continue] Can't we do anything?! Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity! [weeps into his hands]
Agent:This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in- at least eight months.
[Tom and Mary still wait in jail]
[The carnival. The boys walk back to Toss-A-Ball]
Toss-A-Ball Operator:Oh, you boys are back again, huh?
Stan:Yeah. And we have $5000 this time.
Kyle:How many ball does that get us?
Cartman:[still Ming Li] Odline daur shunba shunba?
Toss-A-Ball Operator:Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh, I'm gonna be really nice and just- trade you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle:You will?
Stan:Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a sudden? [the operator starts tossing down the dolls]
Kyle:We did it! You see, Cartman? You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman:Ten dollar? Sucky-sucky?
Kyle:What are we gonna do with them?
Stan:[a Terrance head falls off as he turns] We should- [looks down with Kyle at the head, horrified]
Kyle:…What the-?
Stan:Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs! [A Phillip leg falls off]
Kyle:After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS! [Barbrady, Garrison, and others show up]
Officer Barbrady:What's all this?
Kyle:Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate my previous Shenanigans! This whole carnival is a rip-off!
Mr. Garrison:You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree. These rides are really stupid! Chamber of Farts isn't scary at all!
Priest:Yeah, and the food is terrible!
Chamber of Farts Operator:Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo. What do you expect?
Officer Barbrady:Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People of South Park, do you declare Shenanigans on the carnival people?
Townspeople:Yeah!
Officer Barbrady:Okay, carnival people, do you accept this decree of Shenanigans?
Woman:…What the hell are you talking about?! This whole town is screwy!
Officer Barbrady:Well, that settles it! Everybody grab a broom, it's Shenanigans! [the town cheers, and some of the folks have brooms already. They gang up on the carnival people and beat them all for a long time. Stan and Kyle just watch]
[One in the afternoon. Jimbo, Ned, and some townsfolk are pushing the Cow Memorial back into the carnival area]
The Mayor:You found it! You found the memorial!
Jimbo:Yeap.
The Mayor:And the cows? Are they all back, too?
Jimbo:They're dead, mayor. They're all dead. [sobs]
The Mayor:What?!
Jimbo:Oho, it was awful! [weeps] Cow after cow taking its own life, and we could do nothing to stop them! Oh, God!
The Mayor:Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn that cults are never a good thing.
Jimbo:[still sad] I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. Uhud I need a cold beer and a burger. [hears the crowd and perks up] What's all the ruckus over there? [sees the townsfolk beat on the carnival people]
The Mayor:Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans!
Jimbo:Oh, hell, I have to run home and get my broom!
[The police station]
Officer Barbrady:All right, you dammned carnival people. Into jail with- [voice wavering] Oooooh? [Tom and Mary are no more. They've died of starvation and the rats are eating parts of them away.]
Jimbo:Hey, aren't those the people we at first thought took the wooden cow?
Officer Barbrady:[nervously] Yeah.
The Mayor:Didn't we ever release them?
Jimbo:Aw, I forgot all about them.
Officer Barbrady:Uh me, too.
The Mayor:Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you never had Tom and Mary in this cell.
Officer Barbrady:I didn't?
The Mayor:No, no. In fact, they never came to South Park. We've never heard of them.
Officer Barbrady:Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then, although I could've swore that I had heard of them and they starved to death in my prison.
[The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are swimming in Terrance and Phillip dolls]
Stan:[with Terrance doll] Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh.
Kyle:[with Phillip doll] Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look for treasuh.
Cartman:[arrives, back to normal] What are you guys doing?
Stan:Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling?
Cartman:Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest dream last night.
Kyle:Really? What about?
Cartman:Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and then you guys made me ride a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo Di Caprio gave me a spankin' for several hours. [notices the dolls] Eeyy, where did you guys win all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?
Stan:Oh-h. Nowhere. [he and Kyle start giggling]
Cartman:Wait a minute! You guys did make me ride that bull!
Kyle:No! Cartman, that was just a dream!
Leonardo Di Caprio:[his limousine pulls up] Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again. [pulls away, and Stan and Kyle laugh even harder]
Cartman:Oh! Son of a bitch!
[End of Cow Days]
Edit by southparkTV.net / Script by spscriptorium.com