Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
TAPS (Jason, Grant, Kris, and another member)
The Tiny Miss Pageant Judege, Contestants and their Moms
Kylie and her Mom
The Dead Celebrities and the Purgatorial Plane
Celebrity 1 (voice only)
Celebrity 2 (voice only)
Celebrity 3 (voice only)
[The Broflovski house, night]
[voice over] You have been very very naughty! [a shot of
Kyle's parents having sex in bed] You're a naughty girl! [begins to
grunt with every thrust]
Oh yes, Gerald! I've been so naughty! [joins in the grunting for a
few seconds] Ah, oh, oh, oh jeez! Oh! [their bedroom door
[quickly turns around and faces the door] What the?! ...Ike!
[Ike is at the bedroom entrance looking scared. He's dragging a puppy
plushie around] Ike, get back to bed right now!
I'm scared. There's a ghost.
Uh not this again. [angrily] Ike, we are sick of you takling
But Daddy I saw the-
No buts! Get back to your room right now and don't come out! You got
it?! [Ike turns left and walks out of view, his head hanging]
Gerald, what has gotten into him?
[sighing] Hoh, I don't know. I think maybe with all the news of
famous people dying this summer, he he's just freaked himself out.
[Ike's room, moments later. The moon fills the room
with dim light and a tree outside the window casts a moving shadow onto
Ike's bed. Ike sits in his bed nervously. He looks outside the window, and
the tree's branches rap at his window in the high wind. Ike looks around
and shuts his eyes. His mobile playset begins to turn slowly. A loud sound
wakes Ike and then he gasps. A ghost makes its way towards the window from
outside, passes through it slowly, then lunges at him. As soon as the
ghost is at the foot of the bed, it becomes recognizable as Billy Mays,
the late TV pitchman.]
Hi, Billy Mays here for Megascrub Cleanser.
Are you tired of your kitchen counters getting those nasty stains?
Don't just scrub 'em, Megascrub 'em!
Billy Mays, NO! [jumps out of bed and runs into his closet. The
camera pans out...]
[...and Billy is in the closet too] Mold, mildew, even those
impossible wine stains are gone in a flash when you snipe them away.
[runs out of the closet, through his room, and into the
hallway.] MMOOMMMYYY! [runs towards the stairs and passes another
room. Another celebrity appears in ins entrance] AAAAAA! Farrah
Fawcett! Farrah Fawcett! [runs to a door opposite the room and opens
it. A man appears hanging from the ceiling in that room, wearing fishnet
stockings] AAAAAA! David Carradine! [runs away from that room and
heads for the stairs, but stops in his tracks and gasps]
[walking up the stairs] Hi, Billy Mays here for Mighty Mend It,
the fast and easy way to mend, hem, and wear it again. [Ike backs away
towards his room]
[comes out of his room] Ike! Ike, what?!
Make Billy Mays go away! Make Billy Mays go away! [Kyle looks, but
nothing is there] Make him stop! [buries his face in Kyle's
shoulder. Kyle consoles him] Make him stop, Kyle!
[The office of one D. Land, Ph. D., Psychiatrist,
day. Inside, the psychiatrist has Kyle on a couch and is trying to get him
to open up]
Now Ike, your family is very wooried about you. Ike, you can talk to
me. I'm a threapist. Whatever has been troublng you, it's okay.
No, it's... it's a secret.
Ike, tell me your secret. I promise not to tell anyone else.
[turns his head to the right to look at the doctor] I see
You mean, you see dead celebrities on TV? In the news?
I see them walking around. They talk to me.
Are you seeing any dead celebrities right now?
Just Ed McMahon. [Ed McMahon's ghost looks at Ike over Dr. Land's
right shoulder, then turns right and walks off]
How often do you see dead celebrities?
All the time. [blinks a few times]
[Cartman's house, day. Cartman has the remote
control and is flipping through channels]
Guys, Ike jsut got worse. I'm really worried about him. He says he's
still seeing dead celebrities.
HA! What a dumbass! [Kenny mumbles a question]
I don't know. Last night we found him hiding in the kitchen pantry. He
was screaming the name "Billy Mays" over and over again.
Billy Mays? Billy Mays?? [hops off the sofa] Dude, you didn't
tell us Ike was seeing Billy Mays!
Your little brother saw the ghost of Billy Mays?
Dude, I don't even know who that is.
The guy on TV who had incredible things for people to buy?? He died
four months ago but they still show his commercials all the time? Oh, oh
for the love of Christ, here! [quickly flips through the channels until
a Billy Mays commercial appears] Here here! This, this is him!
[Commercial. Mays is in a laudnry room]
Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product. If you're like
other Americans, you love to eat Chipotle [shows off two Chipotle
burritos], but you hate all those terrible bloodstains in your
underwear [shows off bloodstaidn underwear].
[holding a burrito in his right hand] I love Chipotle. But
getting all the bloodstaind out of my underwear is a nightmare. [a
shriek is added for emphasis]
[now near a washer and dryer] Well now there's a product that
can clean even bloodstains caused by Chipotle right off your underwear.
Chipotl-away. [shows off the bottle, which says Chipotlaway. What
follows is a demonstration of how the product works] Just one Chipotle
burrito [shown] can leave up to a quarter cup of underwear blood
[a quarter cup of red liquid is poured onto the briefs], but
Chipotl-away [a couple of squirts of it makes the liquid vanish]
makes your underwear clean [a towel is used to remove the liquid and
product] and ready for more. [a man is shown stocking up on briefs,
but they slip from his arms] Stop buying new underwear every time you
eat Chipotle. That can cost you thousands. Chipotl-away gets rid of
bloodstains and leaves underwear good as new. [a pair of black hands
smooths some briefs out over a table, then puts the Chipotle burrito on
it] Imagine having underwear so clean you can practically eat off of
[leans down towards the burrito and smiles at the camera] Mmm,
Chipotle. [gives a thumbs up and begins to eat off his underwear]
Now you can eat all the Chipotle you want [two men eat burritos on
a park bench.], and still have underwear that sparkles and shines
[a woman holds up a pair of clean panties, which sparkle and
shine]. Order right now!!
That product changed my life. It really works. I use it all the time.
What?! Are you serious?!
Look Kyle, it there's even a chance that Billy Mays' soul is not at
rest, then I wanna help however I can.
Dude, why the hell would you DO that?!
Because he was a great person, Kyle.
NO, why the hell would you keep eating something that made you crap
...Dude, have you had Chipotle? It's really good. You guys, we have to
help Kyle's brother and get to the bottom of this. And I think I know just
who to call...
[An episode of Ghost Hunters.]
On this episode of Ghost Hunters [a cemetery is shown]: a
little boy in Colorado appears to be haunted by celebrities. [a shot of
Ike floating across the screen, with various backdrops behind him] Now
the Ghost Hunter team will roll out and get to the bottom of it. It's the
gayest show in the fucking world. Ghost Hunters!
Alright, tell us what we got, Kris.
We're going to Colorado to investigate celebrity paranorm-
Wait, what? What was that? What was that??
I heard it too. It was like a, like a ...*pop*
Is there a ghost here?
[TAPS heads out to South Park in two SUVs.]
Alright, so you say a little boy is seeing the ghosts?
Yeah, apparently only he is seeing them.
Doyuh ssh ssh. What, what is that? Do you hear that?! There, there
look. What is that? What is that?
I think that's just a cigarette lighter.
Oh, right, okay. May be.
[TAPS has made it to South Park. They are in the
Broflovski house at night, in the dark. No lights are on except for
We are now inside the house where the celebrity ghosts have been
spotted. Whoa whoa what? What was that?
What was what?
Did you hear that? It was like a... it was like a... dee.. Is there a
spooky ghost here?? Uh LOOK. What is that? What is that?? [a shot of
the Broflovskis living room TV]
I'm pretty sure that's their television.
Oh man I am really scared. [looks at his groin. Grant's flashlight
and the camera quickly aim at it] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What is this?
What is this? There's a, there's a, a wetness coming from my pants! [he
peed his pants]
I see it!
W... what is it?!
Oh God I'm so scared! [begins to whimper] I'm so scared.
Look! Look, it's got you too! [points to Grant's groin, then says
to the cameraman] Are you getting this?? Make sure the camera is
getting this. Definitely some paranormal activity!
It's warm, and moist. A warm moist sensation that's moving down my
left thigh. [the urine reaches the floor and starts spreading out]
Look, it's starting to form a, a a pool around the floor now. Are you
Are you guys fucking serious?
Oh God, the paranormal activity is now leaving a, a trail of some kind
behind both of us! [such melodrama!]
Hoh! Something... hot, and and, warm is coming out the back of my
pants now. [Well...]
Oh it smells!
[The Broflovski house, outside. The front door
opens and the four ghost hunters run out screaming]
[The Broflovski house, inside. The lights are back
on. Ike hangs his head and walks off to his left, sighing. He sits down on
the bottom steps of the stairs. Kyle follows him and sits next to him]
Ya see Ike? There's nothing. There's nothng for you to be afraid of.
[his ghost suddenly appears with a new pitch] Hi, Billy Mays
here for the Big City Slider Station.
It's all just in your head, Ike.
The fast and easy way to press and cook delicious sliders
AAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAA!! [the other boys look at each other]
[Children's Hospital of Denver, night. Ike is in a
recovery room while the older boys wait in the lobby on red couches]
I just... don't understand it.
It's gonna be alright, Kyle.
But, dude this doesn't make any sense. I mean, if you know it's going
to make you crap blood, why wouldn't you at least just try eating
less of it?
Because, dude, that's what I'm saying. You have the Chipotlaway so it
But of course it matters, because you should be concerened
there's blood in your underwear. [to Stan] Do you understand
Dude, I don't understand at all. I eat Chipotle all the time and it
never made me crap blood.
Ohh well how nice for you, Stan. It's great you've got a golden rectum
of the gods, but the rest of us need Chipotlaway.
Well boys, little Ike is stable, but the celebrity ghosts appear to
have sent him into some kind of coma.
Whoa whoa wait, there really are ghosts?
Well of course there really are ghosts. Haven't you seen that show
Ghost Hunters? But I'm a pediatric doctor, so I'm going to ahnd this off
to Dr. Phillips, who specializes in spooky things. [Dr. Phillips, a
female, walks in and addresses the boys]
The ghosts of these celebrities are at deep unrest. I've never seen
anything like it. [Stan and Kyel look at each other as Dr. Carroll
walks away] I believe these celebrity ghosts are still roamin' the
world, reachin' out through the child because they are lost in purgatory.
Purgatory? What's that?
[steps closer to the boys] Sometimes when people die, they
can't quite accept what has happened to them. and so before they reach the
afterlife, they go to a place called "purgatory." It is a temporary plane
of existence. It's neither heaven, nor hell. Purgatory is like... being on
an airplane that's waiting to take off, but you're still sitting at the
gate. And even though the plane isn't taking off, they won't let you back
off the plane. And you can't get up to go to the bathroom, because you're
on an active runway. All these dead celebrities are sittin' on the plane
waiting and wantin' to move on, but for whatever reason, they are stuck
without any information, even from the pilot, how much longer it's going
to be, and it's taking forever. And they aren't serving any drinks yet.
It's like, a terrifying limbo.
[concerned] Oh my God... poor Billy Mays...
[Ike's room. Dr. Phillips turns on the various
monitors to measure Ike's vital signs... and to call out the ghosts]
I am speakin to the celebrities that are hauntin' this child. If any
spirit can hear my voice, make your presence known. [the needles on an
Ectogrpah 500 begin to move back and forth, producing some readings]
[only his voice is heard] Hi, Billy Mays here with another
Billy Mays! [makes his way to the front of the group] It's him!
Are you tired of having to put your toilet seat down?
Yes! Yes I am, Billy Mays!
No! Be quiet, Billy Mays! Somebody is trying to contact us!
To which celebrity am I addressin' now?
This, is Walter Cronkite.
All you celebrities need to know that you have passed on.
We know that!
Yeah! Of course we know that!
There's only one person here who's not cooperating!
That's right! Now just admit you're dead and sit down!
...No, that's ignorant! I'm not dead.
You ARE dead!
No, I just have a skin condition.
Boys, quickly! Convince Michael Jackson that he's dead.
He's in denial. He's been in denial all his life. Now tell him or
you're gonna lose your little brother.
Mister... Jackson, y-you aren't alive. You're in purgatory.
Nooo, you're being ignorant. I'm alive. And I'm a child. And I'm
Mr. Jackson, please, you're causing a lot of problems.
Hi, Billy Mays here for the Super Sweeper
The Boys and Dr. Phillips:
Shut up, Billy Mays!
You're dead, Mr. Jackson!
No, that's, that's just ignorant.
Accept it! [the various machines start convulsing and sparking]
He's in too much denial! [a ball of plasma condenses in front of
her and shoves her out a window on the top floor of the hospital.]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [She flies through the air across the street and
lands a half block away in the middle of another street. She dies on
impact. The boys then gather around Ike and pull the wires off his
Ike! Ike! Wake up buddy! Wake up! Ike, you've gotta wake up, please!
[Ike's eyes slowly open] Eh there you go. That's good. [Ike
looks around] Oh Ike. I thought I lost you, little brother.
[with Michael Jackson's voice] Nooo. No, that's ignorant.
[the boys' jaws drop] Oh look everyone, I told you I was alive.
Hey! What the hell are you doing inside my little brother?!
Wee, I'm a child! [jumps up] I knew I was a child. See? Come
on, let's play! Let's go climb a tree! [jumps off the bed and runs out
of the room]
(Holy shit, dude!)
Comoe back here! [the boys give chase]
[A park across the street from Children's Hospital
of Denver, night. Ike runs to a tree in the park and tries to climb
Come on, let's climb the tree! Hee hee!
Mr. Jackson, you can't do this! This is NOT your body!
Noo, I'm a little white child. Let's play! [hops off the tree trunk
and starts dancing] Hee! Hee hee! [begins to moonwalk] Hee hee
hee! [arrives at the swing set and hops on a swing]
Dude, asshole, you're keeping a lot of other celebrities in purgatory!
Including the late and very talented Billy Mays!
No, that's ignorant. People are just ignorant and they lie and spread
rumors about me. Like, that I'm dead. But if I was dead, how could I do
this? [hops off the swing and dances some more] Hoo! Dawdaby daw!
Shamohn! [Kyle looks at his friends and leads them away out of Ike's
What the hell are we going to do??
[still dancing] Jou know! Jou know it! Hee hee!
[The Plane of Purgatory]
Come on, this is ridiculous! How much longer do we have to sit in
Come on! Come on! This is ridiculous! Come on!
[into an intercom mic] Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you for
your patience. I've been informed that we are going to be delayed at least
another 96 hours
Yo, you can't just keep people stuck like this, man!
We know that you are all excited to cross over to the next plane, but
for now you have to stay on this one.
That's it! I have to go to the bathroom!
Sir, you have to stay in your seat with your seatbelt fastened!
You've been saying that for three months now! [sits back down]
[The four boys are now in Stan's room, and Stan is
browsing around for information]
Alright, let's see: demonic ghosts, animal ghosts... [Kenny makes a
comment] ...setting traps for ghosts, no...
[still trying to make sense of Cartman's ...problem] Okay,
here's the one part that really makes no sense to me: [puts both his
hands on the table and spreads his fingers out] the first time you saw
blood stains on your underwear, were you alarmed?
[rolls his eyes up in thought] Was I alarmed? [closes his
eyes] Yyyyes. [opens them and looks at Kyle] I believe I was.
So then why do you just ignore it using something as stupid as
[correcting him] Chipotlaway, Kyle. And I'm not the one who
uses it, my mom does. She does the laundry. [Kyle's jaw drops in
Your mom... uses Chipotlaway... to clean blood stains... out of your
And then takes you to Chipotle, and buys you more??
Yes, Kyle, it's totally normal! [Kyle puts his hands down below the
table] People do this stuff! You know, not everyone can be the boy
with the golden butthole! [points to Stan]
Here here here it is: possission by a ghost. A ghost that enters and
then refuses to leave a living host has done so because it failed in the
living world to be what it wanted to be. The ghost must be allowed to
transform and be recognized by the living as what it always tried to be.
What has Michael Jackson always tried to be?
A child... and a female. And white.
Oh lookie, it's a planet. Hee hee hee.
So he wants to finally be accepted by the living as a little white
Well what the hell are we gonna do? Dress him up in a princess gown
and, and parade him around like the parents on those awful child pageants?
[Kyle looks at his friends, then down at the floor. His friends look at
each other. Yes, Kyle...]
[A Holiday Inn, day, at Lynchburg. "Lynchburg
Welcomes The Tiny Miss Pageant". Inside, the contestants are being
introduced. The stage is small, with two bouquets of flowers with balloons
attached, one at each end of the stage.]
Hello. First up we have the beautiful Miss Jessica. [Jessica comes
out wearing lots of makeup, a big head of hair, and a pink pageant dress.
There's a smattering of applause]
[clapping] Alright Jessica! Woohoo! [Jessica stops and shows
off to the audience]
Jessica enjoys ridin' her horse Marley and doin' her nails with her
sisters. Next, contestant number 26, Miss Brandy [who comes out in a
Yeah Brandy! Work it girl!
Brandy likes ice cream and playing with her cat Sunshine.
[whispering loudly] Don't forget to blow a kiss to the judges,
Brandy. [Brandy dutifully blows a kiss to the judges and grins. A
balding judge grabs the kiss with his left hand, then reaches down to his
groin with that hand and begins to masturbate. Brandy steps off the stage
and walks away]
And now welcome contestant number 27, little Miss Michael Jackson.
[Ike walks on stage in a small pink dress and blond wig]
Go on by, Michael. [Kenny mumbles something]
Yeah yeah rah work it Michael work it!
Michael says she just enjoys being a child. She loves to play and
climb trees, and thinks people who don't are ignorant.
God I hope this works.
[Purgatory. The celebrities are still waiting to
take off to the next plane]
Hi, Billy Mays here for the little Country Handy Pillow. Are you tired
of sitting in limbo? Lost somewhere between planes of existence? Well now
there's a product that can help you-
Will somebody shut his fucking mouth?! I can't take it anymore!
This is bad enough without having to constantly listen to you try and
sell your stupid crap, Mays!
With just two easy steps, I can climb over these seats and kick you
right in the fucking balls!
That does it. We are not gonna just sit here anymore! We want some
Why isn't anybody telling us anything?!
Well ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking.
Well it's about fucking time!
Certainly want to uhhh thank you for all your patience. We know that
you're eager to uhhhh get going and we will certainly pass on any
information uhhhhh as it becomes uhhhhhh more availablllle.
But yo! Yo Michael Jackson isn't even here anymore! He's gone! We
should be able to move on now!
Yes, but as we all know, Mr. Jackson had a LOT of baggage, and he
checked some of that baggage in, so a crew has to go through all the
baggage and get his off of purgatory before we can push back from the
[Tiny Miss Pageant, later]
Did I do good in the swimsuit category? I'm worried that little
doodoohead brunette girl was prettier than me.
[approaching the judges' table] Excuse me, uh, if you could do
us a favor and pleeease just vote for little Miss Jackson? It's really
It's more important for my little Kylie. Just look at this face.
Mommy, that hurts my cheek implants. [another contestant is dancing
onstage in a cheerleading outfit. She finishes her routine on her knees.
The male judge on the right is taking pictures while the one on the left
is masturbating even harder. The lone female judge is just evaluating as
All right, thank you Miss Cassie. And now for her talent portion, Miss
Michael Jackson is gonna sing for us. [Ike steps onto the stage again
I'm just a little girl. Hee hee. A dainty little thing.
And I know you all want to be a llittle white girl like me. Shamohn! Hee hee hee. [begins to moonwalk] Hohhh
[the male judges are masturbating furiously]
Dude, the two male judges love her.
(Yeah.) [the doors fly open and a bunch of police officers stream
All right, that's about enough! [...and haul away the male judges.
The female judge looks on somewhat bewildered]
Hey, what the F?!
[Tiny Miss Pageant, later]
All right everyone, the judge will now tally her final scores.
We're totally screwed! [Brandy and her mom walk by. Brandy's
actually a redhead]> They took the two best judges away!
Yeah, there's no way that lady judge is voting for us. She was glaring
the entire time.
You'll win for sure, Heidi. You know how much that judge adores you.
Aw dide, this is hopeless!
(Son of a stinking bitch!)
Wait wait! Wait, look at the lady judge. [a shot of the judge]
She's eating Chipotle.
[not making the connection] So what?!
So maybe she doesn't know. [grabs Kyle by his coat collar]
Maybe she doesn't know, Kyle! Excuse me, Ma'am , I see you're eating
Oh yes, it's my favorite fast food. I would eat it every day, except
I-... [looks down in embarrassment]
Except! You can't afford buying all the new underwear?
How did you know-... Look, it doesn't matter. [turns her back to
him] I'm just gonna have to give it up.
What if you didn't have to give it up?
I think... you and I might be able to help each other here today.
[Tiny Miss Pageant, even later]
And now, it is time to announce our Grand Little Miss. Little Miss
Michael Jackson. [Ike looks around gratefully as the audience applauds.
The judge and the MC approach him. The judge gives him the crown and the
MC gives him the trophy. The boys congratulate him]
Good job Ike! [one of the contestants stomps her foot and cries,
then walks off stage]
[passing by the audience chairs] I'm sorry I didn't win, Mommy.
[her mom stops for a moment and slaps her across the face]
Thank you so much for this award. Of all the awards I've ever won,
this one means the most. I feel like... I'm finally at rest. I'm finally
at rest! I'm free! [Ike passes out standing up with his mouth open wide
and Michael's ghost rises out of him, with a ghostly trophy. The judge and
MC notice something and look up. Ike wakes up, shakes his head, and looks
at himself. Then, in his regular voice] Holy shit! What the heck am I
Ike! [runs up to him. The other boys follow] Ike, you're back!
Kyle, what the heck is going on?
It's okay, Ike, you're going to be... okay.
Yes. Thanks to us and Chipotlaway, the spirits of the celebrities can
[Back in purgatory, a woman yawns]
Wee, I'm free! I'm free! [floats down into his seat]
Hey he's here! He's here!
He's here! He's back!
All right everyone, it looks like we are all ready to move on.
Did you all see my crown? [the plane finally rises up and away]
Finally! Finally we can all move on!
[Hell. The purgatory plane alights here]
All right, everyone, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to the
gates of Hell. Unfortunately, Hell is a tow-in gate.
[End of Dead Celebrities.]