Chief Running Water
Sid Greenfield, Los Angeles director for America's Most Wanted
John Walsh, host
Boom Mike Operator and Cameraman
Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat
1989/1991 Denver Broncos
Dr. Alphonse Mephesto
Kevin, the monkey boy
Dr. Doctor and Nurse Goodly
Unplanned Parenthood counselor
|Announcer 2:||Previously, on South Park: an air of sobriety fills the laboratory as the men of South Park gather to find out which one of them fathered this boy. [Cartman chowing on cookies and milk]|
|Announcer 1:||Who is Eric Cartman's father? At the end of this episode, you will know the answer.|
|[Opening warning and theme song. Much has been added. Then the episode resumes at the laboratory]|
|Mephesto:||And now, to continue, the father is indeed someone in this room.|
|Cartman:||Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life.|
|Stan:||[Kenny is restored to the story line. Kyle notices] Oooh- hey, Kenny.|
|Mephesto:||Gentlemen, the father is…>[the lights go out>|
|Mr. Garrison:||Hey, what the hell's going on?|
|Jimbo:||It's a power outage!|
|[BANG BANG, then a body is heard falling. The lights go back on and the men settle down]|
|Chef:||Is everybody okay? That sounded like a gun shot!|
|Officer Barbrady:||Oh my God, look! [Mephesto lies shot on the floor, his ass-headed cane next to him]|
|Kenny:||(Oh my God, they killed Mephesto!)|
|Mr. Garrison:||Mephesto's been shot. [everyone gathers round Mephesto]|
|Chef:||Is he …dead?|
|Jimbo:||[with Ned by a broken window] Hey! This window is shot out, too! That means the killer was not someone in this room!|
|Mr. Garrison:||Then who was it?|
|Announcer 1:||Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-|
|Cartman:||Ey! I didn't find out who my father was!|
|Announcer 1:||Or was it Sheila Broflovski?|
|Chef:||[listening to Mephesto's chest] Waait! [getting up] He's still breathin'-he's not dead.|
|Cartman:||[grabbing Mephesto's shirt] Goddammit! Who's my father?|
|Chef:||[about to lift Mephesto] We've got to get him to the hospital.|
|Cartman:||You've got to be kidding me!|
|Chef:||Come on, children! [carries Mephesto out the door. Cartman follows]|
|Gerald Broflovski:||Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell for him going through all this. [Ms. Cartman sighs deeply and moves away]|
|Jimbo:||There's a murderer free in South Park. We have to find out who it is before they kill again.|
|Mr. Garrison:||Yeah. God only knows who they'll kill next.|
|Announcer 1:||Who will they kill next? Will it be Jimbo? Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?|
|[Chef is driving up a hill with the kids and Mephesto on the first night of this episode]|
|Cartman:||Is he awake yet?|
|Kyle:||[checking] He's bleeding pretty bad back here.|
|Chef:||Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel.|
|Kyle:||What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?|
|Chef:||I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to…>[mad at himself> Wait a minute. Why am I telling you this?|
|Stan:||Could you pull over so I can get out?|
|Chef:||What??? We have to get to the hospital.|
|Stan:||I have to get out first. I'm not gonna make it-I can't stand hospitals!|
|Chef:||Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off and then we can get outta there, alright?|
|Kyle:||Man, it's really starting to snow. [outside view of snow falling as Chef drives by] I hope they don't close the roads.|
|Cartman:||They can't. Mephesto can't die.|
|Kyle:||Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman.|
|Cartman:||No way, dude! I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song, Come Sail Away, by Styx. If I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it.|
|Cartman:||Yeah, du-I can't do anything until it's done.|
|Kyle:||[looks at Stan, who looks back. He starts] I'm sailing away.|
|Kyle:||Set an open course for the virgin sea…|
|Cartman:||[tries to resist, but the pull is just too strong] Eh. [two short gasps follow, then he races through…]|
For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me
On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard
Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay
A gathering of angels appeared above our heads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads
We climbed about their starship and headed for the skies
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads
[heavy panting. Chef keeps driving]
|[City Hall, first night. Sheila, Officer Barbrady, Carol, and Jimbo are assembled before the Mayor]|
|Jimbo:||What are we gonna do, Mayor? This killer is on the loose!|
|Sheila:||We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety.|
|Carol:||Uh. Where are our children? [they look around]|
|Mayor:||Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town: what would he do?|
|Officer Barbrady:||Hmmm. That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right on that, with thinking.|
|Greenfield:||[rushing in with cameraman amd boom mike operator] Mayor! Mayor!|
|Mayor:||[aside to an aide] The press is here.|
|Greenfield:||My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the director from Los Angeles for America's Most Wanted|
|Mayor:||[amazed] Youuu certainly made it up here quickly.|
|Greenfield:||We're desperate for stories. [boom mike operator thumps him] Ah and this one is so compelling.|
|Greenfield:||Sure. This story has everything. People. Furniture. Talking-ih it's a real American story.|
|Officer Barbrady:||Hey, I thought of something. [close-up] Uh… oh, wait, that's subtraction.|
|Mayor:||Mr. Director person, what exactly do you want to do?|
|Jimbo:||Mayor, shouldn't we be focusi-|
|Greenfield:||We just want to do a recreation of the story for our show. Then we'll flash a number on the screen that people can call if they have any information regarding the identity or location of the shooter. That's it. You win, we win, America wins.|
|Mayor:||Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous?|
|Greenfield:||Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family.|
|Mayor:||[thoughtfully] Weelll, in that case, I guess it's okay! [gung-ho]|
|Greenfield:||Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first?|
|Announcer 1:||Who will the director cast first? Will it be… Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady, Chef?|
|Liane:||I want to have… an abortion.|
|Receptionist:||Uoh well, we can do that. This must be a very difficult time for you, Mrs.…|
|Liane:||Cartman. Yesuh- it's such a hard decision, but I just don't feel I can raise a child in this screwy world.|
|Receptionist:||Yes, Ms. Cartman-if you don't feel fit to raise a child, then abortion probably is the answer. Do you know the actual time of conception?|
|Liane:||About - eight years ago.|
|Receptionist:||[processing] …I sseee, so the fetus is…|
|Liane:||Eight years old.|
|Receptionist:||Ms. Cartman, uh- eight years old is a little late to be considering abortion.|
|Receptionist:||Yes- this is what we would refer to as the - "fortieth trimester"|
|Liane:||But I just don't think I'm a fit mother.|
|Receptionist:||Wuh… But we prefer to abort babies a little- …earlier on; in fact, there's a law against abortions after the>secon> trimester.|
|Liane:||Well, I think you need to keep your laws off of my body.|
|Receptionist:||Hmmmmm. Tsk, I'm afraid I can't help you, Ms. Cartman-if you want to change the law, you'll have to speak with your congressman.|
|Liane:||[rises from the chair] Well, that's exactly what I intend to do! Good day! [exits]|
|Chef:||[reaches the hospital and gets out quickly] Come on, children! We've gotta find a doctor! [Kenny follows him in]|
|Stan:||[stops] Ugh. I can't do it, dude. [Kyle and Cartman pass him]|
|Kyle:||Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all that bad.|
|Cartman:||Yeah, stop being a wuss!|
|[Operating room. A patient lies on the table, and the doctor is being assisted by a female nurse with no arms below the elbow. Chef and the kids enter]|
|Dr. Doctor:||One moment, please. Nurse, I need 20 cc's of sodium pentathol, stat! [she reaches for the syringe and grabs it with her mouth]|
|Kyle:||Whoa, dude! She doesn't have any arms!|
|Dr. Doctor:||We're an equal-opportunity employer here, son. [she spits out the syringe, and he catches it along the cartridge end]|
|Chef:||Doctor! We've got a shot cracker outside!|
|Dr. Doctor:||I'll be right with you, right after I inject this man with a long needle.|
|Stan:||[pained] Oh man. [grabs his stomach] I'm gonna be sick.|
|Dr. Doctor:||There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of. [squeezes out any air left in the syringe. A few drops escape, and he rams the needle into the man's side]|
|Nurse:||[scraping sounds are now heard] Ooooo, I think you're hitting the bone.|
|Dr. Doctor:||[still driving the syringe] Yes. I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside. [blood bursts from the injection site] Oops. He's hemorrhaging. [a burst lands next to Stan]|
|Dr. Doctor:||[plop] Ooo! His head fell off.|
|Stan:||I'm gettin' out of here!|
|Dr. Doctor:||Ugh, some people just have a weak stomach.|
|[The second day. America's Most Wanted temporary set]|
|STAGE A||AUDITIONS TODAY!|
|[Greenfield is accompanied by his assistant in the auditorium]|
|Mephesto tryout:||And the father of Eric Cartman is… Bam. Oh, Jiminy! I've been shot!>[drops the cane>|
|Greenfield:||Oh. Thank you very much. We'll get back to you. [the actor departs] I think I've seen enough genetic engineers. Let's move on to the auditions for the part of Misteruhh Garrison.|
|Assistant:||Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!|
|Garrison 1:||Boy. I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.|
|Mr. Hat 1:||[just a sock with two purple disks for eyes] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!|
|Greenfield:||Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on the top pile. Next!|
|Mr. Garrison:||I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.|
|Mr. Hat:||You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!|
|Greenfield:||Thank you! Next!|
|Mr. Garrison:||[shocked] What?|
|Greenfield:||Next! [Mr. Garrison leaves, dejected, as another actor enters]|
|Garrison 2:||[an actor with a deep voice] I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.|
|Mr. Hat 2:||[a fist with a face drawn on it] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!|
|Greenfield:||Perfect! You got it! Let's move on to the Chefs! [Mr. Garrison stands dumbstruck]|
|[Same day. Liane is in bed with her congressman]|
|Liane:||…And so you see, Congressman O'Reilly, that's why I think abortion laws should be changed.|
|O'Reilly:||Well, all I know is that third-trimester abortions are illegal. I don't really know anything about 40th.|
|Liane:||But the person at Unplanned Parenthood said you were who I had to talk to about changing the law.|
|O'Reilly:||No- No, I think youah gotta talk to the governor about that stuff.|
|Dr. Doctor:||[Mephesto is on the operating table, sedated] Well, this is about all I can do for him.|
|Cartman:||Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.|
|Dr. Doctor:||Sorry, son, it might be a while.|
|Cartman:||[bounding onto Mephesto and slapping him around] Wake up, you sonofabitch!|
|Dr. Doctor:||[as he lowers Cartman to te ground] Now, son, that's not's gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition.|
|Cartman:||I can't wait anymore. What am I supposed to do?|
|Kyle:||I'm sailing ay…|
|Cartman:||-way. Set an open course for the virgin sea.|
For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me
On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard…
|Stan:||Okay okay, let's get outta here now! […We'll search for tomorrow on every shore…>|
|Kyle:||[looking out at the snow storm] I don't know if that's gonna be too easy. […And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on.]|
|Dr. Doctor:||My God, that's a hell of a storm. [I look to the sea. Reflections-]|
|Stan:||[-in the waves spark my memory…> Oh,>weak. [Kenny looks up towards the window.>|
|Cartman:||…Some happy, some sad. I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had|
We lived happily forever, so the-
|[The third day. Back at the studio, auditions have ended]|
|Greenfield:||[looking at the storm] God I hate mountains. [moving to the center of the studio] This better not push back our shooting schedule! [Actors for Mephesto, Barbrady, and Chef are on the laboratory stage. Greenfield takes the megaphone] Okay, people, let's rehearse the reenactment from the top before we shoot it. [sees a new actor and turns to his assistant] Who's that?|
|Assistant:||Oh, that's TV's Eric Roberts. We were able to ge him to play the part of the little monkey guy.|
|Greenfield:||Whoa. Talk about "all washed-up", huh? Great to have you, Eric! [he stops munching a doughnut long enough to wave and smile] Here we go, aaand action.|
|Mephesto actor:||I want to announce who the father is.|
|Mephesto actor:||Oh. I've been shot! [falls over]|
|Barbrady actor:||Nobody move! I'm a law officer!|
|Chef actor:||My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest!|
|Mephesto actor:||[as Chef actor speaks] Whoaw!|
|Barbrady actor:||You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef.|
|Chef actor:||Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are accusing me, don't hide behind your clever riddles!|
|Barbrady actor:||Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man, a man trying to do my job.|
|Barbrady:||Whoa, this is a good movie!|
|[Same day, back at the hospital]|
|Cartman:||Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads|
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me-hee.
|Stan:||Ohh. Dude, when can we get out of here?
||[the doctor bursts through the emergency doors with the nurse]|
|Blonde:||[bleeding from a gash on the neck] Doctor, I can't focus!
||Dr. Doctor:||We're doing the best we can, ma'am. They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get through. For now, it's just me, and Nurse Goodly. [she tosses the stethoscope around for a better hold]
||Chef:||Wait a second. They've closed the pass??
||Dr. Doctor:||Yes. I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked. [everyone turns to him and gasps. He quickly retracts] Mmetaphorically speaking, that is.
||Cartman:||What about Mephesto? Are you taking care of him?
||Dr. Doctor:||He's on full life-support and breathing fine. He shouldn't need any help - so long as the power doesn't go out. [Bzht. Everything goes black] Oof. Who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?
||[The fourth night. Show time! A siren rotates, there's a hold-up and a helicopter zooms in on a raid from above. There's also a ground shot of the arrest. Lady Justice appears. A suspect is thrown behind bars]
||Voice-over:||Tonight, on America's Most Wanted! A shooter is on the loose in Colorado, and its residents are up in arms! Here's your hose, John Walsh.
||John Walsh:||Good evening and welcome to America's Most Wanted. Tonight: terror invaded the small mountain community of South Park, Colorado, when Dr. Alphonse Mephesto [his picture appears] was gunned down in his laboratory. America's Most Wanted has reconstructued this heinous crime [the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch is seen] in hopes that your calls could help solve the case. |
|Mephesto actor:||[Pfff. The actors flinch and he throws away the cane] I've been shot!
||Garrison actor:||[catches him] My God, Mr. Hat! Get some help!
||Mr. Hat actor (!):||Right away, Mr. Garrison.
||Eric Roberts (as Kevin!):||No, No! My lifetime partner and friend, gone, taken away in the wink of an eye. O, Fortune, why do you mock me?
||Greenfield:||What the-? Bu-eh. Eric Roberts is improvving lines again!
||Chef actor:||I'm going to get the man to a hospital. Who will help me?
||Eric Roberts:||This is not a world I want to live in! Doesn't anyone want-
||Greenfield:||God-dammit! [outside, a pine tree falls on the studio's power lines. The lights dim and all action comes to a halt] What the hell is this?!
||Cameraman:||We've lost the feed to L.A.
||John Walsh:||Uuuhm. We-we seem to have lost our linkup to the South Park crew, sso I guess we'll be going to our featured movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
||Announcer 1:||Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? Mr. Garrison? Chef?
||Greenfield:||Somebody go see why we lost the hookup! [the doors fly open and snow is swept in]
||JImbo:||Holy smokes, that blizzard is getting crazy!
||[The fourth day, back at the hospital. Lights can be seen in most of the rooms. Inside, the backup generator has come online and everyone is running around]
||Nurse Goodly:||Don't panic, anybody. The power lines are down, but the backup generator is running just fine.
||Dr. Doctor:||[opening the operating room doors wide] Nurse, I could use some help in here!
||Nurse Goodly:||Coming! [finds Cartman in her way]
||Cartman:||[haltng her] Lady-m? Is Mephesto gonna be okay?
||Nurse Goodly:||Yes. For now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short.
||Dr. Doctor:||Nurse, please! I need another pair of hands in here! [she looks at him and glares] Oh. Sorry.
||[Same day. Liane at the Governor's mansion, in bed with him]
||Liane:||Don't you see, Governor? I should have a right to have an abortion if I want one.
||Governor:||[smoking] Mmaarr. I don't know-uh, I might need some more convincing, hm-hm-hm. [edges closer to her]
||Liane:||I mean, whar right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world? Then again, I should've thought of that before having sex. then againuh- Oh, I just don't know…
||[back at the hospital]
||Dr. Doctor:||Please, Mr. Chef. I've over 100 people to attend to an- and only myself and Nurse Goodly.
||Chef:||What do you want me to do?
||Dr. Doctor:||Do you know anything about surgery?
||Chef:||I used to watch Quincy.
||Dr. Doctor:||What?! Why the hell didn't you say so? Put on some scrubs! Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors. You can help us save these people's lives.
||Stan:||No way, dude!
||[America's Most Wanted studio, in the dark, the fifth night]
||Jimbo:||[opens the door and a pile of snow pours in on him] Well [opens his right eye], we're not going anywhere for a loong time.
||Greenfield:||We're snowed in?
||Mayor:||Yes. We're trapped!
||Garrison:||[snuggling up to Greenfield] Like sailors on a submarine.
||Mayor:||My God, this is the worst storm I've ever seen.
||Assistant:||Oh I have to get out of here, I haven't eaten since breakfast.
||Barbrady:||Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry, too. [rubs his belly]
||Jimbo:||I hope you all realize what we might be facing here. [all are attentive] Our only option might be to…>ea> each other to stay alive.>[Gasps are heard all around]
||Greenfield:||Uuuhh, it's only been like, four hours. Aren't you resorting to cannibalism a little quickly?
||Jimbo:||That's a lot of lead, Mr. Director. I don't eat pretty, but if a few of us must die so the rest can stay alive, so be it.
||Mayor:||Buut, how do we decide "who"?
||Jimbo:||Well, we draw straws.
||Greenfield:||Now, wait a minute. We all had a big breakfast: can't you people go without eating for a little while?
||Jimbo:||Calm down, soldier! We need every person here to keep his head! Barbrady, fetch some straws.
||Greenfield:||Well- who the hell made you the boss anyway?
||Announcer 1:||Who the hell made Jimbo boss? Was it- Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Gar-
||[Same night, the hospital. The doctor is operating with his motley crew. Stan and Kyle are on one side, Cartman and Kenny are on the other. Chef stands at one end of the table between Cartman and Kyle, and the doctor is at the other end.]
||Dr. Doctor:||Miles' appendix has burst. I have no choice but to operate now with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me. [Stan raises his brows] Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia. Chef, you act as her arms. [he withdraws] Boys, you have to help with suction and bandages. Ready?
||Dr. Doctor:||Okay. First, I'll make an incision on the chest, over the heart.
||Stan:||[queasily] Oh boy. [the doctor slices the flesh vertically over the X he has marked over the heart. It splits open and Stan removes his mask] Bluuch! [the vomit goes right into the open incision]
||Kyle:||Duhuhude! You barfed into the incision!
||Dr. Doctor:||Suction! [Kenny places the suction cup over the incision. The power begins to flicker, and he removes the cup]
||Cartman:||Hey, who's screwing with the lights?
||Announcer 1:||Who is screwing with the lights? Is it- Barbrady? or Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
||Cartman:||[to Kenny] This is really starting to piss me off!
||[America's Most Wanted studio, nighttime. Barbrady stands holding the straws]
||Jimbo:||Alright. So far, everybody has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing. [draws] Whew.
||Barbrady:||[sees that his straw is short and throws it away, behind himself] Wooo!
||Jimbo:||Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one?
||Barbrady:||The short what?
||Jimbo:||Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
||Barbrady:||That's not how I played it!
||Garrison:||Uuugh, could we hurry this up? My stomach is growling
||[back at the hospital]
||Dr. Doctor:||I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator. Apparently, they built a large self-sustaining generator- for just this kind of emergency. But it's out and away from the hospital.
||Chef:||So how do we get to it?
||Dr. Doctor:||We must split up into two teams: Team A, and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist- of Kenny. [stunned. The doctor pats his head] Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct [points it out to him on the map] Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here [points to it] where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B- remember, that's you, Kenny- should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climh to the top, and there could be velociraptors- here [points to an area between the holding area and the generator]. Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this windows of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?
||Cartman:||Nnoh, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
||Dr. Doctor:||Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!
||Garrison:||I… can't… go on… eh. So… hungry…
||Mayor:||We're all going to die in this horrible place [covers her eyes]
||Jimbo:||We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.
||Greenfield:||How can we? How could we live with ourselves?
||Jimbo:||There's only one answer: eat Eric Roberts. [He's shown squatting on the floor]
||Mayor:||[thoughtfully] Yes, uh-of course. Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.
||Garrison:||[madly] Eat Eric Roberts! [the rest of the group goes mad and prepares to do him in]
||Eric Roberts||No! No, please!
||[Later. Eric's arms, legs, and head have been removed, and bees hover around the corpse]
||Mayor:||Well, there's no going back now. [Ned and Jimbo keep eating] We're cannibals [someone burps] God save us.
||Jimbo:||God wants you to live, Mayor. Thanks! [presumably, to God]
||Assistant||[Coolly] Well I have to admit, Eric Roberts was much juicier than I expected.
||Garrison:||This snow just isn't letting up. We're gonna die here, I know it.
||Jimbo:||What time is it, Barbrady?
||Barbrady:||It's almost midnight.
||Garrison:||Oh! I can't… go on.>[drops to his side>
||Jimbo:||We'll give the storm another hour. After that, we might have to eat again.
||Greenfield:||What? Christ, are you people diabetic or something?
||[the hospital. Kenny has made it through the tunnel and exits the manhole. He's pretty soiled. He turns on his communicator]
||Dr. Doctor:||Team B? Come in, Team B.
||Kenny:||(This is Team B.)
||Dr. Doctor:||Listen, Team B. We've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway to it. So you don't need to walk through all that sewage.
||Kenny:||(Are you fuckin' telling me that I could've fuckin' gone that way?!)
||Dr. Doctor:||Oh. Well, forget I said that, then. Listen, Team B. You should be seeing a large drift of snow with some metal sticking out of it just to your left.
||Kenny:||(Yup! I see it in the drift)
||Dr. Doctor:||Good. Head towards it. Team A out.
||Cartman:||What if Mephesto never wakes up, and I never find out who my father is?
||[Kenny heads toward the generator and a dinosaur casts its shadow on both of them]
||[The studio. Ned, Jimbo and the Mayor are eating again. The camera shows that Greenfield and the assistant have joined Eric Roberts as casualties to cannibalism. Barbrady is seen working on a leg and some ribs]
||Mayor:||My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is. All of us doing what we must to survive.
||Jimbo:||It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those. Or who.
||Announcer 1:||Who built the pyramids? Was it- the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?
||[The generator. Kenny has opened the door and is ready for new orders.]
||Kenny:||(Okay, I've reached the generator)
||Dr. Doctor:||Roger, Team B. [to the rest of Team A] He's reached the backup generator. [to Kenny] Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?
||Dr. Doctor:||Good. Now, is there a wire connecting them?
||Dr. Doctor:||Damn! The wire connecting the nodes is gone! We need to complete the circuit between them, or we're screwed.
||Kyle:||D'you have any wire here?
||Dr. Doctor:||There's no time! Once these lights flicker out all the patients on life-support are going to die!
||Kenny:||(I'll stick 'em together)
||Dr. Doctor:||No, Kenny, you can't. There must be some other way! He's going to make the connection himself, with his hands.
||Kyle:||No, he'll die!!
||Dr. Doctor:||Kenny! Nnnoooooo!
||Stan:||Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
||Kyle:||You bastard! [the lights stabilize]
||Chef:||The power! [Kenny's sacrificial act has worked!]
||Dr. Doctor:||Quickly! Get the scanner running again! [the scanner is brought in] We've got a chance now!
||[The fifth day, the White House. Liane has bedded her way up to the President, and she's in bed with him now.]
||Clinton:||Well, okay, Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize 40th trimester abortions for you.
||Liane:||[relieved and joyful] Oh, thank you, thank you.
||Clinton:||We'll have the pregnancy terminated immediately. [Her eyes widen]
||Liane:||[pulls back] Terminated?
||Clinton:||Why yes, that's what an abortion is.
||Liane:||Oh no uh- I didn't mean that. I meant the other thing you can do-what's that other A word?
||Liane:||Yess, that's what I mean. Adoption.
||Clinton:||Well, that's- pretty different.
||Liane:||Oh, I should tell my son the truth about everything myself. Good day, Mr. President. [quickly leaves the bed]
||[The fifth day. Colorado sunrise]
||Dr. Doctor:||Well, we made it. The power is on, the snow is melting, and your friend Mephesto is doing fine.
||Mephesto:||[just now coming to] Where… where am I?
||Chef:||You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. You were shot. Noww, we don't know who tried to shoot you, but-
||Mephesto:||Ohh. I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to shoot me every month.
||Dr. Doctor:||Where's the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto's awake.
||Chef:||He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.
||[Outside, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are at the generator. I guess the raptors have left.]
||Stan:||He was a good friend, and I'll miss him.
||Kyle:||He was very brave. He risked his life so that Mephesto could live.
||Cartman:||Yeah. And now he's a freezy-pop. [Kenny is shown iced over, and the boys simply stare]
||Stan:||[to Kyle] Dude! D'you think if we hit him with a shovel, he'd shatter?
||Kyle:||I don't know. Let's find out.
||["Ave Maria" begins to play. Jimbo is the first to shovel his way out of the studio. Garrison follows, then Ned, then the Mayor, then…>
||Garrison:||Ohh. It's over! We're free!
||Barbrady:||Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?
||Jimbo:||Listen, everybody. We did what we had to in there.
||Mayor:||But- hhhow will we live with ourselves now?
||Ned:||Mm-one day at a time, Mayor. Mm-one day at a time.
||Singer:||[A la Aaron Neville] Ave Maria… [the camera pulls back, and back…]
||Garrison:||Well I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggie bag-does anybody else want some?
||[the hospital. Mephesto is recuperating, and Kevin is back at his side. All the possible fathers are present, including the Denver Broncos]
||Mephesto:||I'm glad that you could all come. I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is. But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life-
||Cartman:||Just tell us already!
||Mephesto:||Alright alright. The father of Eric Cartman is… Say, did anbody see that Terrance and Phillip special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing-
||Cartman:||[boiling] Dammit!! Tell me who my father is already!!
||Mephesto:||Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is… Mrs. Cartman.>[all gasp>
||Liane:||[back with her cookies] Yes, it's true.
||Garrison:||Noo, that doesn't make sense!
||Mephesto:||Yes. It took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite. [she looks guilty]
||Mephesto:||Meaning that she has both male and female genitals.
||Chef:||You mean, at the Drunken Barn Dance, when we all got together with her, she was a he?!
||Mephesto:||No no, not exactly. But she did have a penis. [Ned, Barbrady, and Chef vomit. The rest just cup their mouths. Gerald is shocked] The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that she is his father, and she got another woman pregnant at the Drunken Barn Dance.
||Cartman:||Ugh. Man, this is fuckin' weak.
||Stan:||Dude! You're a big fatass, and your mom's a hermapholite!
||Liane:||I'm sorry I never told you, Eric. [Eric and Stan look up at her] I just thought, mmaybe it would be a little shocking to you.
||Cartman:||Oh, wow, gee whiz, you think so, Mom?!
||Mephesto:||Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing.
||Cartman:||No no, wait a minute! If… if she's my dad, then… who's mi>mom?!
||Announcer 1:||Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it- Mrs. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?
||Cartman:||Ooohhh, forget it!! [Stan moves off]
||[End of Cartman's Mom's Still A Dirty Slut]
|Edit by southparkTV.net / Script by spscriptorium.com|